Life of an Introvert and What's the Cause

I'm really wanted to be frank with all of you, readers. I am an introvert, and it has been several years for me. I've become like this not because I wanted it. I've turned into this because there's a trauma. A trauma that might rarely happened to any other people.

This takes me back to where I was a kid. When I was a kid, I was a quite person, particularly around in elementary school. I was very quite, I rarely chat with people in my class, whenever I chat, I just chat when needed, I did have a few unique friends who shared same traits that time. But this habit surprisingly stop after there was a big trouble in my family. I became quite sociable and talk with friends in real and internet life. But frankly that time (around middle and high school), I wasn't quite aware and didn't care what others thought about me. 

Until around at the age of 24, I think. I fell in love to some girls. Trying to, you know, get away from terms of "virgin boy", but at that time, I didn't do things so bad, in fact I kind of quite fond and treasure to them. Sadly, this event, which I initially though good to train as husband, turned toast and I realized, I was over-protected them and it's kind of conflicted between my mind and heart. I discussed with some of experienced guys and they said, I'm the wrong one. So I stopped loving girls that time.

A few years later after that incident, I gotten more into Social Media, and I found my old friends in elementary school. And we were met. And there's one of my closest pal said, "You are changed, man. You're like totally different person" and this one pal, he never contact me anymore after our meeting. I kind of confused that time. And I was trying to even getting social with my gaming's community. And this community was quite been my "friends" for a few months, and then one of them bluntly said in-game (he met me once in cybercafe before), he said, "Hey man, I'm gonna be honest with you, you're a fucking douche bag, you know that, nobody's actually like you, you're like a fucking non-promise dependable guy, you know that ?!"

And I was in my mind like, "What ?". You know, after that time, I tried asking to join in future meeting and they're mostly turned me down. Some still called but they're so obviously avoided chat to me. And that time, I was just like giving decision to my mind, "Okay, that's it, I'm a fucking retarded thinking that I'm very sociable while I'm actually NOT !!"

From then on, I started to do more offline games and casually join online, only for trying new things, but I never wanted to involve in serious matter such as Guild or Club community. I realize myself that I really hate by being hated, especially when it's so obvious. I realized when after all those incidents, people around me just...never actually care about me. I was like, what kind of world is this, full of lies ? At first, I though they never care me and thinking I care for them, but after a lot thinking in moral sense. I, myself, am also kind of selfish.

So from then on, I decide myself. I could never have a friend from the start. I, myself, am a sadistic guy. I like seeing torturing sometimes, I dislike naive things such as romantic night dinner or some sort. I like seeing a "netorare scene" but I kind of hated myself for this one. I just don't know anymore, even God decided to punishing me until now.

So you see, I became like this, not because I intended to. It's because destiny made me this way, I have some traits that I couldn't remove because I dislike to remove it. It is so big struggle for me especially by currently live in such a poor mentally life. I couldn't do what people do nowadays, I tried to make videos for Youtube sometimes, but it sucks, I want to talk more to people without having them glare at me, but I couldn't. All I can do is here, although not many views my blog.

I always talk critics, I talk negative things, even now I always reminding myself. Am I really a person of this current "era" ?

That's all I can say, I hope my story goes through people who though introverts are such a selfish person or whatever. All I wanted to say is, "Do you think I wanted to be like this ?? It's people around me turned me this way, NOT ME !!"

Thank you.